The Beach

One summer, my roommates and I decided to take a trip to the beach. Now, mind you, I had never been to the beach. So I was more than thrilled.

The drive was long -- five hours, actually -- but we made it.

The first girl I saw was wearing what had to have been "The World's Smallest Bikini." I kid you not. I think dental floss comes with more string. Now don't get me wrong, here. I like half-naked women just like the next guy; but this girl looked way too young. She couldn't have been more than 16. Part of me wanted to cover her up, like a big brother. But the other half, well, let's just say covering her up was the last thing on my mind.

So there we were, at the beach. We found a nice spot to chill, unpacked our stuff, and enjoyed the "scenery."

After about fifteen minutes, I got in the water. Now, this is where the story takes a turn for the worse. Remember, I told you this was my first time at the beach, ever. Well, I really didn't know what I had gotten myself into. And to make matters worse, I couldn't swim. Yeah, I'm sure you see where this is going.

So I get in. "Hmm, this isn't too bad," I think to myself. The water was calm. I felt like I had lots of control, so it only made sense to venture out a little further, right? Well, unbeknown to me, there was a steep drop about five feet ahead. (God, I wish I had known that before.) So, as I walked along, it happened. I started to sink, baby!

I screamed to the top of my lungs.

No one was coming, either. Well, it seemed like no one was coming. And I just knew I was going to die. Then, just like that, little bikini girl was grabbing my massive head. Now, just so you can get a good picture of this: Little bikini girl probably weighed no more than 100 lbs, wet. I -- former high school jock -- weighed in at a whopping 250. You should have seen her. She man-handled me like I was nothing, and flung me on the sand like a pro.

"Are you okay," she asked.

Besides the bruised ego, I was more than okay. I just hated the fact that there was this huge crowd standing around. "Yeah, I'm fine, " I whip back, trying my best to sound nonchalant.

The crowd eventually cleared, and my roommates never let me live that little experience down. I never saw little bikini again; and I haven't been to the beach since.

It's something about that whole drowning thing that really gets me.